Coward

giphy2As usual, my alarm sounded 4 hours before my shift at work would start. The 4 hours I need to wake up and make myself somewhat presentable to the outside world.

The entire morning, as I was preparing myself for work, I was going through all these confusing emotions. A certain co-worker would have his last shift today. As I got dressed and put on my make-up, I kept pondering whether or not I should drop my cool and just ask him straight forward why he is so weird around me. But what would that solve? Would he give me a real answer?

Just a while ago, I realized that I’ve known him from high school. There are vague memories of how he used to walk me home from school every day. I’m not quite sure what we were back then. It was quite a while ago and as bad as it sounds, I just can’t really remember the exact details.

Since the day I started working for this company, there has been this weird awkward vibe between him and me. We would talk, but keep our distance also. I didn’t want to make much of it, really. Tried to rationalize his behavior as him just being social. In our field we are supposed to come across as social beings and he is very social with all the other co-workers too.

But somehow our conversations seemed… Different… The way we talked to each other was… Different…  Most of our banter existed of stabs with a playful undertone. I wasn’t sure what to make of this vibe. Or maybe I just didn’t want to know.

giphy1It bugs me, though. It bugs me that I can’t look him in the eyes without feeling butterflies. It bugs me that I jab him with snappy remarks and a slightly bitchy attitude, because that’s what I do when I feel butterflies. It bugs me that I know, no matter how hard I try to come across as “cold” and “distant”, it can be quite see-through to someone who knows how to read between the lines. On the other hand; if he even slightly feels the same way he would’ve said something. Right?

Today was my last chance to analyze our awkward moments in real time. But instead of stepping out of my comfort zone, I decided to even avoid saying goodbye to him today… The chances to find out now are very slim.

I’m such a coward.

 


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