Wazzap? Here in the land of tulips and windmills, there’s really nothing interesting to share. Not from my point of view, anyways. And yet, here I am writing some random stuff down. How fabulous is that?
This first Monday of 2016 started just as random like any other random Monday for me. Woke up with the fabulous sound of Miss Droppie Bunny trying to break through her cage. She was pissed off that I forgot to put her on her side of my bed the night before. Spoiled little flufflball she is. But ah heck, who could stay angry at such a cute little face like that?
It was still quite early and I wanted to try and look for some new job opportunities on the world wide interwebs. While miss cuddly bunny was wrapped in her favorite blanket and sitting on my lap, I turned on my laptop and managed to write not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 unbelievably smug, disgustingly asslicking and disturbingly exaggerating application letters to date. It makes my skin crawl just rethinking the phrases I used in them.
Phrases like ; “Every fiber of my being longs to work in this field. With my broad experience and positive spirit, I can assure you that I am the right candidate for the job. Your company is stupendous and I would feel honored to be part of it. ”
I just feel dirty after writing something like that… But who knows, rigth!? Maybe there’s a narcissistic-sucker out there who loves having his rear end licked this way . Maybe, it will make ‘m think; “Hey, this buttocks-licker is just the buttocks-licker I’m looking for!”
After writing these disgusting letters and torturing the miss cutie bunny with cuddles for at least an hour or two, I decided it was time to try and clean up the house. With the holiday-rush hour now being over and done with, I now have plenty of time to finally focus myself on doing those chores I “forgot” to do. I started working a map for a route through “holy-crap-what-happened-here”, otherwise known as my bedroom. For quite a few weeks now, I’ve been postponing the of climb Clothes Pile Mountain and a nice tummy-crawl Under The Bed. Rumor has it that fabulous things can be found in those places. Long lost treasures, such as my Slim Shady sweater and this brand new bra that I’ve only been able to wear once and never saw again afterwards.
There was extra pressure to aid me in my quest to rearrange House of Messiness; My pastor and his wife happened to be in the neighborhood and asked if they could stop by for a cup of tea or coffee. The president of my fanclub, whom I happen to share this lovely messy house with, told the pastor and his wife she would love to have them over. She would not be home but I would be able to entertain them instead. I was informed that I could expect them in less than an hour. Which meant I had less than an hour to fix the living room and the kitchen to make it look like they are visiting the home of somewhat normal and civilized people. Which on itself is of course complete skittlepoo, there are no normal or civilized people living in this House of Messiness. I was just so thrilled to be notified about this sudden visit. Words cannot express just how grateful I am towards the president of my fanclub for this stupendously fabulous surprise. Just fabulous.
And thus I did what any owner of a messy home would; I threw the backdoor open for nice breath of fresh air to swirl through the house while I rushed through the living room like a whirlwind with a baby wipe to half-clean any surface with one hand while having the other hand free to hide the clutter for the naked eye. Hiding the clutter for the naked eye basically means shoving anything that doesn’t belong on a coffee table in a bag and in the stair closet. Or even better, dragging the laundry that is covers the floor like a carpet up the stairs. Who needs a gym pass when they can run up and down the stairs in the comfort of their own home for free?
After a few minutes, I closed the backdoor because I was getting pretty cold. I figured to light up a dozen o’ scented candles to give the house that “Wow it’s so lovely in here and it smells nice too” vibe we all would like to pretend to have. If only just to pleasure my own nose throughout the day of being surrounded with the smell of fruits and flowers and melted wax. Hmmmm….
All together, I think I fake-cleaned the house like a pro in 20 minutes yo. A trait I am very proud of… Seriously, it looks awesome now.
Then I realized I was still in my comfy PJ’s and it would probably be best to slip into something a little less comfy then that. And so I rushed up stairs to go for that short route through Clothes Pile Mountain and dug up a pair o’ jeans and a shirt to then rush into the bathroom to freshen up. After bathing myself in perfume and soaking the insides of my mouth with mouth water for several minutes, I too now was seemingly clean. [I did shower, of course].
When I got downstairs I noticed a missed call. I was looking around to see if there was still any clutter laying about visible to the naked eye. The house looked and smelled ready to wow the visitors. I felt a smug feeling of pride creeping up. So silly… Then I picked up my phone to see who tried to call me earlier. It was the president of my fanclub, she had sent me a text message to inform me that the unplanned visitors had canceled their plan to visit us today… Even though I had planned to clean up the house anyways, I somehow felt a the need to hide my face in the palm of my hand… Instead of fake-cleaning the house I could’ve cleaned up for real.
I could still clean up for real. There’s still some junk in the garden I have to get rid of. And then there’s that Clothes Pile Mountain that I still need to go through… But hey look, there’s the world wide interwebs again with its distractions. Maybe I’ll just tumble a bit on tumbler, have a lil’ lookie-look about the facebook and then try some real cleaning. I’m sure I’ll be up for it after a nice break. I could use a nice cup o’ coffee too by now.
And otherwise there’s aways tomorrow, right?
Well, that’ll be all the utter random skittlepoo I have to shake out of my being for this first Monday of 2016. Hope you enjoyed it. Fee free to lurk around, subscribe for spam and other randomness. Have yourself a fabulously stupendous day filled with loads of nifty spiffiness. May the favor of God be ever on your favor. God speed.