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It’s been a while since I made an actual blog entry… It’s been a while since I nagged abundantly about a specific topic. So give thanks to the pink elephant and salute the black pigs; because this is your lucky day. For I will nag in an entry again. Here comes another brainfart, a brainfart about my nicotine addiction.

Now I’ve been smoking for a really long time. Started when I was about 11 years old. So that means I’ve been smoking for at least 18 years, or so.   FYI: My addiction didn’t develop because of peer pressure in junior high… I never really had a desire to be part of the popular crowd (just consider me some kind of wacko einzelganger).

About everyone in my family, aside from my mom, smokes tobacco. So during any social family gatherings, I’d be surrounded by smokers. Of course this made me curious as a kid to find out what those white smokey sticks tasted like. What made my dad, my aunts and uncles light up these things one after the other? I also thought the smoke swirles they could blow out were fascinating and really wanted to be able to do the same. Eventually I just took a cigarette from my dad and well… They all thought it was ” cute”  and ” funny”  then. None of them can really say I shouldn’t smoke, since they smoke too… So I figured, then and now.

My smoking addiction developed rapidly after that. Especially once I discovered the Indonesian kretek when I was about 14 years old. And those things are just…. Sooo yummie… The cigarette makes a soft crunchy sound when you light it up and with each time you take a hit from it. The kretek cigarette leaves a sweet taste on your lips and it smells sooooo nice and reminds me of the country where my mom was born and raised. I’ve helped many ex-smokers back to smoking again thanks to kretek cigarettes. I’m not completely proud of that fact… But I just love kretek, tee-hee.

And so  now I’m a die-hard smoker. The first thing I need in the morning to get me going and keep me sane, is a cigarette with a nice cup of black coffee. I tend to smoke a lot during stressful days, or when I’m out clubbing or when I’m at work and smoke during breaks with co-workers. Somehow I tend to smoke more when I’m surrounded by other smokers. Smoking isn’t necessarily a social thing, but it’s so easy to light another up when you’re having a conversation with a fellow smoker.

In those moments, I tend to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes within a day. In worse case scenario I tend to smoke even more. To a none-smoker this all may sound really bad. But it’s going better, in my opinion. I used to smoke 3 packs a day a few years ago. So to smoke just one pack a day is actually an improvement to a “healthier lifestyle”.

You know when you’ve become a really desperate nicotine addict? Well, you know when you wake up and discover there are no cigarettes and the stores are closed and you feel your body spazz out. The thought of having no tobacco at hand alone makes you grumpy and stressed out. How could you survive through the day without at least ONE of those cancer-sticks…? So, what is a  flat broke joke to do? Call up some friend who happens to smoke too, just to hang out and smoke with them? Knock on the door of the neighbors to ask if he/she can spare a cancer-stick? There are more options, depending on how desperate you are…

Have you ever taken a walk solely to ask for cigarettes to people passing by? I have. Did you ever sit on the porch of your house in the middle of the night and have people who pass your door “pay the cigarette tollbooth”? I did. Have you ever entered a bar or stood at a school’s playground just to ask the shabby teachers for a cigarette (without having kids you know attend that school or a specific other reason to be at that school, other than the fact that you noticed it was time for lunch break)? Yes, I have. I’ve done many silly things just for a smoke.

I’m telling you man, when the body cries for nicotine; it makes you jump through hoops like a spastic shit fly!

And if you think the actions to fulfill a broke-ass nicotine junkie’s needs I mentioned so far are pathetic…. How about this act of desperation: You dig through an ashtray to find old cigarette buds. You cut the black burned parts off, to fill a cigarette maker with the old tobacco and make a new cigarette out of about 6 old cigarette buds… Viola; no need to beg for cigarettes from friends and strangers when you can just use old cigarettes you already have laying about in your ashtray! How’s that for bringing the term “recycling” to a new level, huh?

But there’s more you can do with old cigarette litter. Aside from re-using about 6 old cigarette buds to make one new cigarette with, I also re-use the empty cigarette packs. I use them for the “art” I make. I use them in my “paintings” now. If I ever get the time, I might share these so-called paintings I’m making on here. They’re quite cool, if I may say so myself. A bit weird, but yeah…  They’re still wet and not completely finished yet so… Maybe next time.

Anywayz…

I’m not the only one who uses cigarettes as an inspiration for their crafty arts. How about a cute rabbit made out of cigarette buds, made by Tom Deininger? Man, when I saw this I was amazed about the fact that it was made from old cigarettes. What a load of patience this Tom must’ve had to make this, too! I just HEART rabbits, as you may/may not know. So this cigarette bud bunny is a great combination of two things I live for. Yes, rabbits and nicotine; how my life revolves around those. Wahoo.

Seriously, if I only had 5 euro to spend and I could choose to buy food or a pack of smokes, I’d go for the pack of smokes. Cause I can go a day without food but to go without a cigarette for an entire day would be a disaster for not just me but the people around me.

Now-a-days, to make sure I don’t have to dig through ashtrays again during broke and desperate moments, I just buy a huge pack of tobacco in advance and hide it in a safe place. It’s my “panic stash”, a can filled with the cheapest tobacco I can get my hands on.

I’ve tried to quit smoking a few times. Because smoking is bad for you, or so it says on the labels of each cigarette pack you purchase these days. Back in the 60’s people thought different about all of that. About a 100 years ago people actually thought stuff like nicotine, cocaine and alcohol usage were an improvement for certain medical conditions. Once they discovered that smoking cigarettes can cause cancer and that using drugs and alcohol are bad for the condition of your brains and what-not, things turned around.

In my childhood, we were able to smoke in the train and in bars and even at offices. Now you’re lucky to find a workplace where they offer a little room of lets say 2×2 to fit all the smokers in during lunch breaks. Smoking in certain public places are even forbidden now-a-days. And I’m sure that the cigarette smoke may be nasty to those who don’t smoke. And it’s a nice thought that the government wants to improve the health of the people and therefore take these measures.

But when I’m having a stroll outside, with cars farting out their toxic gasses and other pollution filled in the atmosphere from factories and what-not, I don’t think it really matters makes much of a difference for me to light up my cigarette yes or no. And when I’m at a workplace where lets say 80% of the employees have the same nicotine addiction then I do think it’s more social to just give those smokers a dry and comfortable place to have their lunch break, instead of having them stand outside in the rain.

Anyway…

Of course I’ve considered to quit smoking a few times, like I mentioned…. I’ve tried the anti-nicotine chewing gums, the nicotine bandages and I even tried quitting cold turkey and flushing a full pack of smokes through the toilet…. (what a waste that was!)

The last attempt of my try to stop with the nicotine addiction I ended up attacking people. The first day without cigarettes went ok but by the third day I was a real psycho-freak. Snapping at every single thing, throwing with sharp objects… Yes, sure was fun. Then came the panic attacks. Those were WICKED! When I almost strangled someone by the 4th day I figured it would be better to just to pick up smoking again. It’s the safest option for me and my enviremont, seriously!

I’m a smoker, I’ve accepted it. It’s a part of me. Just like my Xbox and my other wacky addictions.

If you’ve quit smoking or haven’t smoked ever that’s good for you but…. We all have our own ways, don’t we? I mean, you might be addicted to other things. For instance; You might be into lurking on your neighbor’s Facebook profile for days and days in a row. You might be the type who needs to stick q-tips in their ears every day. Maybe you like to pick your nose and eat boogers. Maybe you like to eat deep-fried butter sticks. I don’t know, if that’s what brings you kicks then who am I to judge? So yeah… I smoke, it gives me kicks. In the end, we all have our weird habits, so… Whatever.

I do have to admit; The problem with smoking is that once you’re hooked, it’s really tough to get unhooked. The body is so used to the nicotine that your entire being malfunctions without it. It’s one of the most toughest drugs to get rid of.

If you happen to stumble upon this blog and don’t smoke but might consider to start smoking because of peer pressure or what-not; Think about all the desperate things this weird nicotine-junkie blogger does to get her fix whenever she’s out of cigarettes. Do you really wanna end up, digging into an ashtray for old cigarette buds? “Ewww, I’m not gonna do that” you say now. But when you’re hooked and desperate, you’re willing to dig through trash, I’m serious.

All this stuff about cigarettes and nicotine… I’ll go have myself a cancer-stick right now.